Tuesday, March 20, 2007

Oh, for the luvva...

So of course I get linked to from a couple of high-profile sites (now it's Metafilter), just in time for hordes of new visitors to show up and get told "I'm outta here". You knew, didn't you? This is all some kind of plot to get me to stay, I know it. You! Who are you working for? How did they get to you? Was it money, photos, drugs -- it was drugs, wasn't it?

OK, maybe it's coincidence.

In any case, I'm not swayed. I'll see you all in a while. Feel free to form some sort of death cult awaiting my return, if it makes you happy. Until then, keep watching the skies...

By "skies" I mean "RSS feeds".

Chimp Justice

The Professor thought that the park was an ideal grooming location, but he hadn’t reckoned on Bimpo the Vigilante Chimp. His throwing darts found their mark, and within moments both paedophile and prey were paralyzed from the eyeballs down. Bimpo smiled and returned to the trees. He’d leave this for the police to sort out.

Just to keep you on your toes, this time I refer to a monkey as a chimp! And I laughed when I did it!!

Hang on -- March 20. That date sounds familiar... Why, a year ago today it was March 20 as well! And that was the day that this all started. What I'm getting at here is that today is Monkey Fluids' first birthday. Hasn't he grown?

As is becoming traditional, I will celebrate this anniversary by buggering off for a while. I'm humouristically pooped -- frankly, I'm surprised I made it this far. I need to take some time off, find some new source materials, think up some new paedophile gags and generally sort things out (did I mention that I've just bought a house?) I'll be back in a while, most likely.

If you're new, have a look around -- there's a year's worth of archives over on the right there. If you're not, keep an eye on that RSS reader...

Thursday, March 15, 2007

That's Not How It Works...

The girls had succeeded in trapping the evolutionist up a tree. 'What's the matter, Darwin-lover? Why don't you just evolve some wings and fly away?' She'd have to come down some time, and when she did they'd show her God’s love. By beating fuck out of her, obviously.

UPDATE: Hi to the good folks at Pharyngula. Have a look around, make yourselves comfortable -- just ignore the fact that I constantly and deliberately confuse monkeys with apes and we'll get on fine...

GRAMMAR UPDATE: No, there isn't meant to be a "the" in "beating fuck out of her." Not everyone uses the same colloquialisms as you, asshole.

Tuesday, March 13, 2007

Blood on the Blackboard

'So now if we look at the gerund-' The door flew open. 'It's a participle, bitch.' Josie had returned to reclaim her place at the head of the grammar study group! The twins shifted nervously - things were about to turn nasty, but they would make sure that any blood spilled would not be theirs...

I'm not sure what it is about that scene that seems to require gratuitous profanity. Maybe it's just me.

Thursday, March 08, 2007

Tuesday, March 06, 2007

Ooer, Missus!

'My, that's an impressive weapon - it puts me in mind of your penis. Would you care for sexual intercourse?' Due to budget cutbacks, the writers of the Carry On series were forced to pare their jokes down to single entendres. Carry On Up My Arse was a commercial and critical failure.

Saturday, March 03, 2007

Thursday, March 01, 2007

The Bird is Still Dead

'This bird... it knows stuff.' 'It's like, it's like it's seen things we'll never see.' 'Sing your secrets to us, winged sage - ka-kaw! Ka-kaw!' '“Guys, I am so fucking blazed right now.'