Tuesday, December 26, 2006

Yuletide Felicitations

Dunno about you lot, but I'm on holiday.

Thursday, December 21, 2006

Tuesday, December 19, 2006

All Your Horse Fucking Are Belong to Us

"Can we do an all meme edition?" asks Jason from Gorilla Sushi, in response to the shameless populism of the last post.

In a word, no. There are many reasons why we can't, ranging from the irrevocable damage to my soul that would be a necessary consequence of the meme research I would have to do, to the utter impossibility of creating anything that could live up to the genius of Bananaphone. I also have no images that relate in any way to badgers or Kenya.

So no, no more meme-based cartoons.

Alright, just one:


Uncomfortable Silence

'Yes, I admit it - I was in ur base, killing ur doods. I’m... not proud of it, but it happened.' Basil was stunned.

Holy shit! Do you see what I did there? I jumped on the bandwagon of an already dated Internet meme for a cheap laugh! That shit never gets tired!

Saturday, December 16, 2006

Lost Opportunity

What the crap? Monkey Day was two days ago and nobody told me? I'm very disappointed in you. Very disappointed.

In other news, I've become worryingly addicted to Project Wonderful -- it's like eBay for adspace! You may have noticed Monkey Fluids ads appearing on such prestigious sites as Alien Loves Predator and Wondermark. This costs me (bugger all) money for no real return other than the boost to my self esteem when I see a few more hits trickle in! You smell that? That's commerce, son.

Thursday, December 14, 2006

2 Beautiful 2 Live

'Yes, kill him -- he's too beautiful to live! I’ve worn my hands to gnarled, arthritic stumps thinking of him!' Agent Fury steadied his pistol and looked away. He knew he could never go through with it if he had to look the man in his eyes -- those dreamy, smouldering pools of purest azure crystal...

Tuesday, December 12, 2006

Improper Thoughts

Being a proper gentlemen, the sight of a young woman’s exposed forearm was enough to inflame Bertie’s ardour quite dangerously. Thinking quickly, he stabbed himself in the groin with his walking stick. That’ll deal to those improper thoughts - well done, Bertie!

Once again, I don't know if I've actually improved on the original caption:

Jolly good show, Robina!

Monday, December 11, 2006


Well that was moderately painless. Moved to a new template, which has some shiny new features (check out the new Site Feeds and collapsey archive)  but is more of a pain in the arse to edit. And there's no Recent Posts feature, which I always kind of liked (you need to piss about with integrating Site Feeds to get the functionality back, and it doesn't look that hot anyway). Frankly, I'm not wedded to the new layout - if the consensus is that it's an unholy abomination, I might just go back to the old template.

Oh, and Monkey Fluids now has a presence on ComicSpace, which is like MySpace but for webcomics. Not sure if that's more or less sad.

Friday, December 08, 2006

Service Announcement

So I've just changed over to Blogger Beta. I'll be fiddling with the site template over the next few days while I see what it can do, which may result in me ballsing up the whole thing temporarily as I figure out what I'm doing.

In short: If you see any weirdness in the immediate future, no, it's just you.

Thursday, December 07, 2006

Merry Japery

Just kidding! Mother didn't really die of AIDS, she's just down the shops! Fuck, I'm funny...

Tuesday, December 05, 2006

Raise the Roofies

Homosexual drug rape being a fairly uncommon occurrence, a 'how to' manual was needed for the benefit of anyone who was thinking of giving it a go.

Note to small children: Drugging people and raping them is generally a bad thing and you shouldn't do it.

Friday, December 01, 2006


It's about time for another set of Questions that Are Asked with Some Degree of Frequency...

OK, see, what I do is I take pictures from old kids’ annuals, then add alternative captions for humourous effect. Clever, isn’t it? I bet no-one’s ever done anything like that before ever. Ever.

How delightfully whimsical. Can I play?
Sure – that’s what comments are for. Your suggestions for alternative captions are always appreciated. If I see one I particularly like, I’ll post it as a proper entry.

So you mean we end up doing your job for you?
Quiet, you.

Whatever. How often do you post new comics?
At the moment, every Tuesday and Thursday, plus miscellaneous announcements and ravings as they become relevant.

Bwaah! I am considerably too lazy to check your site every day to see if there’s something new! What can I do?
If you have an RSS reader or a Bloglines account, you can point it at either of the feeds listed under SITE FEEDS over on the right there. No, your other right. If you’re on LiveJournal, you can add the site syndication to your Friends list. Happy now?

Ecstatic. So, you get these pictures from old kids’ annuals. Which ones?
Currently, I’ve used:

The Book for Girls
The Brownies Annual 1958
Champion Book for Girls
Chatterbox 1932
Chick's Own Annual 1954
Girls' Crystal Annual 1952
Happy Story Book
Ideal Book for Girls 1934
Modern Book for Girls 1960
Monster Book for Girls 1947
The Oxford Annual for Girls 1933
The Oxford Annual for Girls 1939
Popular Book for Girls
The Prize 1958

Note that the works of Enid Blyton do not feature among them.

You’re a 30-year-old man. Why do you have so many girls’ annuals?
My girlfriend collects them – she wants to decorate a room with the colour plates one day.

I possess quantities of your human “money”. Is there some way I could part with it in exchange for themed merchandise?
Yep – go to CafePress. There are two shops worth of designs (I’m a cheap bastard, so I only use a free account, which means I can only have one design per type of product). If there’s a particular image you want on a particular item, send me an email and I should be able to sort you out.

Thursday, November 30, 2006

Tuesday, November 28, 2006

I Said Consume!

Well, I got a pitifully low response regarding your favourite comics, which surprised me, since normally when you ask "what's your favourite X?" on the Internet people won't shut up. Perhaps I should stop using LiveJournal as my yardstick for expectations regarding personal interaction.

At any rate, the scant few who offered an opinion in this regard may be interested to know that there's now a second Monkey Fluids shop with a bunch of new designs. Shine on, you crazy diamonds.

By which I mean, "give me money, you crazy diamonds."

Back! In Glorious Technicolour!

Say how big it is! SAY HOW BIG IT IS!!

I'm going to two a week now -- Tuesdays and Thursdays. That should let me eke this site out a bit further beyond the point when creativity deserts me completely.

Wednesday, November 15, 2006

Comic #100: Everything New is Old Again

The treacle had been deployed - in moments, a swarm of flesh-eating wasps would exact Gracie’s terrible revenge on Timmy, but everyone would blame Kilty McChimp, the lovable Caledonian ape. Feigning horror, she congratulated herself on the perfect crime...

So this is number 100. More or less -- the count gets a bit messy when you decide whether or not to include ones like this or this. Regardless, I say this is the century comic and my word is law.

I was thinking about packing it in once I reached 100, but then you fuckers start saying things like:

In recent months, Monkey Fluids ... has risen from the muddy depths of the web to become one of the best satirical and pseudo-educational comic strips out there.
And, well, my ego's just too big to pass that sort of stuff up. I will, however, take a short break (I'm thinking a week or two) while I take a breather and work on the next hundred fifty bunch. When I return, I'll probably cut the posting frequency back to two a week as well.

Your instructions while I'm gone are twofold:
  1. Learn how to use an RSS reader -- they're built in to all the modern browsers. That way, you won't have to keep checking the site to see if I'm back. There's that syndication link for the LiveJournal-inclined also.
  2. Nominate, in the comments for this post or via e-mail, your favourite comic out of the first hundred. The CafePress merchandise could do with updating, and I want to know which designs are most popular...
Right, back in a bit.

Monday, November 13, 2006

C is for Charlie

Nadine was quick to cover the track marks, but forgot that she'd left some of her gear on the table. Busted!

Friday, November 10, 2006

Hitler Joke: Check

Young Adolf's singing career never got off the ground after his mother caught him rehearsing in her bedroom. However, pop music's loss was genocide's gain...

Wednesday, November 08, 2006

Norse Gods in Love

'Gosh, Odin - you look positively dreamy without your beard. Back to my place?' Scene from the upcoming romantic comedy 'Who's Your Allfather?'

Monday, November 06, 2006

Sunday, November 05, 2006

Moo hoo ha har.

I am pleased to announce that Monkey Fluids has purchased, for the princely sum of NZ$4.50, the African nation of Gabon. When I heard that Earth is on Sale, I figured I'd better get in and stake out a reasonably priced bit of advertising space for the eternal glory of this website. Prices are based on population, not area, but some lucky fucks already got Greenland.

It's on the West coast, about halfway down...

Friday, November 03, 2006


The new drugs made Angie so very happy. The voices were still there—the angry, hurting voices like needless hammered into her skull, but she was JUST! SO! HAPPEEEE!

Wednesday, November 01, 2006

Monday, October 30, 2006

Blast from the Past

'Damn body snatchers -- can't a girl even finish her mural without you bastards making that racket at me?'

Friday, October 27, 2006

Timmy Points... for the Last Time

'Look, Mummy -- it's raining testicles!' 'You're having dirty thoughts again, aren't you, Timmy? Back in the autoclave.'

That's enough of that.

Wednesday, October 25, 2006

Timmy Points Again

'Look, Mummy - the risen Christ! And he’s brought my new kidney!'<br />'That sounds like the brain tumours talking, Timmy. Back in the kennel.'

Yeah, I'm doing a thing -- it's the owls all over again.

Monday, October 23, 2006

Timmy Points

'Look, Mummy -- killer bees! Thousands of them!' 'Don't point Timmy -- pointing gives you cancer.' 'But...' 'Cancer. Back in the cupboard.'

Friday, October 20, 2006


The world would never know exactly what put a grin like that on Bertie's face. Mrs' Scrimshaw's otters were never seen again, though.

Wednesday, October 18, 2006

In Transit

Imogene’s auto-perambulator could transport her children at considerable speed, regardless of wind resistance. Perhaps that was why they were so apocalyptically ugly.

Picture supplied by jacobmarley - ta for that.

Monday, October 16, 2006

No Comic Today

At a funeral.

Friday, October 13, 2006

Cruelty to Accents

Gentlemen gangsters Rory and “Shooter” McCready were largely unsuccessful in their attempts to extract protection money from local potplants: 'Cough up the fahking dosh, you leafy cahnt!' 'I ‘ope the rest of you shrubs is watching this—see what ‘appens to vegetation wot finks it’s ‘ard. Let ‘im have it, ‘Shooter’.'

Wednesday, October 11, 2006

Moments in the History of Dirty Fucking Hippies

Nicholas “Moonchylde” Notegood is generally recognised as the world’s first hippy. Records from several centuries ago indicate that he would dress as a shrub to protest local tree-felling. Authorities of the time ordered him to 'minister to thy locks and take up a respectable trade'. And then tortured him to death.

UPDATE: Due to Blogger's method of generating URLs, it seems the link to this page came out as moments-in-history-of-dirty-fucking.html -- ooh, the search engine traffic that's going to generate...

Friday, October 06, 2006

Friday I'm in Love

It's Friday and I really can't be bothered. Especially when they make it this easy for me:


I'm thinking I may have to have a sequel to Obvious Week: No Comment Week. I have a few images like this one, where the only suitable caption would be a sardonically raised eyebrow -- do they have a smiley for that?

Wednesday, October 04, 2006

Reader Mail #4

Submitted by someone calling himself MrPerson, 1 April 2006:

There were so many things in the soil. Josie knew it, because she heard them screaming all the time. She just had to shut them up.

Monday, October 02, 2006

Smutty Innuendo

Timmy wasn't sure why Janice was annoyed at him -- he'd 'come through her trapdoor' like she asked, hadn't he? Chicks...

Well, that was needlessly vulgar. As an added bonus, the original caption for that picture:

Presently he was descending into the bowels of the earth.

Heh heh... "bowels"...

Friday, September 29, 2006

Intrepid Medicine and Wrong Science

'Comfortable? Then we'll get things going here...' 'Um, are you sure you're a real doctor?' 'Darling, I'm not even a real woman.'

Long time readers will know that I've used that punchline before, but damn it, it's the funniest thing I have ever written or will ever write. Sad, really.

Wednesday, September 27, 2006

OK, OK, I Thought of One

'Damn it, Jim - I know you hate these time travel capers, but there's no need to take it out on defenceless Tribbles!' 'Can it, Bones - they're playing the fight music. En garde, bitch.' Da da DA DA DA DA DA DA da-da...

Hang on, I just checked the comments at the original one, and someone had already mentioned Tribbles. Fuck. Fuck. Ah well.

Monday, September 25, 2006


Pretty man or flat-chested woman? Grace had no way of telling. Best to just concentrate on polishing the silverware, she decided. Sensing her thoughts, the stranger self-consciously covered his/her genitals to ward off further inspection.

Friday, September 22, 2006


Werepig! WEREPIG! Save yourselves, men - I'll hold him off as long as I can!

Wednesday, September 20, 2006

Gratuitous Pop Culture Reference #D

Alzheimers eventually took its toll on Indy. 'But if that's my whip in the basket, then what... Aw, shitcakes.'

I did have another caption for this one, but I figured I better get in with the Indy reference before everyone else does.

Tuesday, September 19, 2006

Monday, September 18, 2006

Friday, September 15, 2006

If it's Friday, it must be a Cthulhu Joke

Ia! Ia! Chtulhu fhtagn!
In other news, the last post generated more than the usual amount of traffic, suggesting two things about LARPers:

  1. They like a joke.
  2. They are everywhere.

Wednesday, September 13, 2006

Death to Them All

'That's right, fellows - run to safety while I dispatch this taurine behemoth with my Vorpal Sceptre!' Timmy's dead now. Stupid fucking LARPer.

Monday, September 11, 2006

Meanwhile, in a Tree

January 5: Have been stuck up tree for 13 days now. Surviving on dew sucked from tree moss. Have soiled self repeatedly. Father and Uncle Bill occasionally come out to taunt me with ladder. Bastards.

Friday, September 08, 2006

Hellooo, Nurse!

I don't know why you're so worried about a bump on the knee -- those two behind you don't have any noses, for Christ's sake.

Wednesday, September 06, 2006

Monday, September 04, 2006

Friday, September 01, 2006

I am Returned

London, eh? Nice place to visit, etc etc. Long haul flights suck quite substantially, but security controls weren't nearly as bad as I'd been lead to fear -- I got a harder time from customs coming into Auckland than I did in Heathrow. Anyway, on with the show:

The trip to Amsterdam was going well until Ermintrude got The Fear.

Monday, August 14, 2006

I Think We Should See Other People

I'm taking a break. From... us. A 16-day break in London, to be precise, so no updates from me until September. While I'm off in sunny Angleterre, why not take a gander at the links over on the right there. Here's what you can expect to find:

Local Talent (local = New Zealand)
Brain Stab - the Other Blog I contribute to (although not so much lately), along with a few other like-minded individuals. We write Teh Funny.
Charybdis Tarot - the photographic stylings of RSJS. He makes Teh Art.
HORansome - fiction, opinion and media reviews from Mr. Ransome. He exudes Teh Literature. OK, I'll stop now.
Mary MacGregor-Reid - more art. Mary positively prolapses talent, which you can purchase for a reasonable sum. She also dances, as you can see at her other site.
Mutopia - the website that serves as the angst spittoon into which Hewligan expectorates sticky gobs of his wretched existence.
newtown ghetto anger - the only local I've never actually met, Jarrod does a mighty fine line in minimalist comic humour.
Propaganda 101 - not sure if Matthew counts as local, since he's currently stationed in Germany, where he's taken to unearthing classic propaganda images and supplying them with alternative captions for humourous effect. Hang on...
Stupid Internet Name - Mr. Stupid. Señor Estupido. Herr Dummkopf von Kranken-Brainen. The Stupinator. Sorry, I've completely lost my train of thought.

Dirty Foreigners
Kung Fu Monkey - from the pen that brought you... um... Catwoman comes humour that's genuinely funny and insight that's genuinely insightful. The Core, too.
Warren Ellis - if you have to ask...

Oh, and this nice person recently sent me an email telling me that he's linked to me, which is the first time I've been notified in this way by someone who wasn't from Portugal (very polite people, the Portuguese). So go say "hi".

Right, that should keep you going for a while. No? Fine, here's your homework while I'm away:

What the shit?

Chimney sweeps duelling on a box in the ocean by the white cliffs of Dover? I just... I mean, what do you say to that? For a long time a drew a blank with this one, until the Total Recall reference presented itself, but unless I missed the release of Duellin’ Chimney Sweeps: Soot Thunder, there’s no movie in-joke to save me here. See what you can come up with.

Friday, August 11, 2006

Wednesday, August 09, 2006

Fact of Life

This is your girlfriend, telling everyone she knows how long your penis is. She does this every time you leave the room. Every time.

Monday, August 07, 2006

Obscure Pop Culture Reference

Five foot nine - turns out they do stack shit that high.

Not to be confused with the Gratuitous Pop Culture Reference (where one references something well known in order to get a cheap laugh off the back of someone else's work), the Obscure Pop Culture Reference is where one references something less well-known in order to create a stronger kinship with those who get it, and a feeling of superiority over those who don't. Because one is a wanker.

Friday, August 04, 2006

Icke, Icke, Baby

Even in the tranquility of her vegetable garden, Suzie couldn't help but glance over her shoulder from time to time, to make sure the Evil Reptilians who Run the World weren't coming for her.

Wednesday, August 02, 2006