Tuesday, December 25, 2007

Mistletoe and Wine

Web access has proved to be a little tricky to come by in my current location, but it's Christmas, so I should probably make an effort:

It is a sad and poorly-known fact that Santa Claus is actually lactose intolerant. All of those glasses of milk see him dashing to the lavatory every couple of houses. He is often pursued on these occasions by members of the Catholic Church, who believe that his saintly excretions can bestow magical powers.

Friday, December 14, 2007

Auf Wiedersehen

Yeah, look, I probably should have mentioned this earlier, but I'm flying to Germany this evening for a three week holiday. Any updates during that time will be dependent on the internet access at wherever I happen to be staying.

While I'm away, I leave you this unaltered image to consider:

Laying the Bogey - ??

Is there a non-obscene meaning one can attribute to that title? If there is, I can't find it.

Thursday, December 13, 2007

Tuesday, December 11, 2007

The Secret of Cows

After years of questing, Bertie was finally told the Secret of Cows by a wise old bullock. But he was forever shattered by the truths it contained...

Thursday, December 06, 2007


The girls were pissed again. Granny didn't mind, but she kept a tight grip on her knitting needle, just in case one of them swung too close.

Tuesday, December 04, 2007

Thursday, November 15, 2007

Comic #200: Learning Pickup Lines with Bertie

'So tell me, girls: do the curtains match your vagina? No wait -- does your vagina match the carpet? Shit. Fuck. Oh come one, there's no need to involve the police.'

And that's number 200. There will now be the traditional brief interruption in transmission while I gasp for breath like a fat man chasing a cake. (A cake with legs.)

Tuesday, November 13, 2007

Postal Justice

Mail took a long time to arrive in the islands, but Lola's lifelike doll was finally here. Now Timmy would be able to show the court exactly where Uncle Bertie touched him...

Thursday, November 08, 2007

Tuesday, November 06, 2007

Gratuitous, um, Motorsport Reference

'Seriously, how can I even think about singing with that monstrosity standing so close to me? Good God, woman, what happened you your face? What the hell happened to your face?' 'Please, miss, it's not her fault she's hideous -- can we just get on with this?' 'How about you and Nikki Lauder there amuse the crowd instead? I'm off to loosen my corset enough so I can throw up properly.'

Picture supplied by jacobmarley a long, long time ago.

Thursday, November 01, 2007

Another Cautionary Tale

The dangers of masturbation #26: Bed sheets becoming animate due to accumulation of genetic material.

Yeah, look, I picked this image to re-use so that I could do something Halloween-themed, but this is what happened instead. Make of that what you will.

Tuesday, October 30, 2007

Order now for Xmas!

For the girl who has everything: Radium! (And then leukemia.)

Saturday, October 27, 2007

I Say Nothing

Picked up a new book of source materials, whose cover I present without comment:

Topping Book for Girls

Thursday, October 25, 2007

Scatological Humour

'It's been a lovely evening, Bertie -- tell me, though: what's with the eyepatch?' 'Oh, I burst a blood vessel taking a shit.' 'That's... awful.' 'Awful? It was fucking diabolical! I've never shit so hard in my life. Seriously, I think I cracked my pelvis.' '... Take me home, Bertie.' '*sigh* Right.'

Tuesday, October 23, 2007

Thursday, October 18, 2007

28 Years Earlier

'Ah, nature -- birds on the wing, wind in the trees, the woodlands resplendent in their verdant glory... Look, you wouldn't have any brains on you, would you?' 'I knew it, you zombie fuck!' This sort of situation was precisely why Tracey always carried a shotgun.

Tuesday, October 16, 2007


'Whatever is that awful noise?' 'Well, that's the sound of your parents being gored by wild pigs. Now they're being wound-raped by albino mimes. And that noise in the background is me laughing like a fucking howler monkey. Steal my dolly, will you, bitch?'

Also: Heh.

Thursday, October 11, 2007

I feel dirty now, how about you?

Jemima welcomed Death's icy embrace. Five weeks editing Hagrid/Snape slash fiction was four weeks too many.

In reference to the last comic on the subject of fan-generated fiction:

I fucking knew it!

I’m not even going to check for the existence of this one's subject – there’s no doubt that it’s out there:

"EXPECTO PATRONUM!" cried Hagrid, as the silvery spray erupted from the tip of his wand.
"Well -- whoever called you a Squib was clearly misinformed."
Hagrid looked up with a start as Snapes entered the room, smiling cruelly and loosening his robes...

Jesus Christ, how did that even get in my head? All I can think of now is Alan Rickman wiping his cock on Robbie Coltrane’s beard and reaching for a swig of Butterbeer. How am I still conscious? Why won’t I just die?!!!

Tuesday, October 09, 2007


'It's true! A bull has given birth! To a fully-dressed man!!' 'The End Times are upon us.'

Thursday, October 04, 2007

Meanwhile, Under the Big Top

Bongo and Betty were the darlings of the freakshow circus. No-one had the heart to tell them that there's no such thing as inter-species conjoined twins -- it wasn't until adulthood that they first heard of 'Velcro' and began to suspect the awful truth...

Tuesday, October 02, 2007

Stop that Santa!

'Damn it, girls -- hop faster! We'll never catch him once he gets on his invisible bicycle!' Drugs were a lot stronger in the sixties.

Thursday, September 27, 2007

What Music They Make

The little vampires giggled to themselves -- no reflections meant Ursula would never see them coming. The sweet nectar of her lifeblood would soon be theirs.

Tuesday, September 25, 2007

If Only It Were True

The Harry Potter/Terminator fan fiction never really caught on.

Thursday, September 20, 2007

Tuesday, September 18, 2007

Hail Xenu!

Fortunately, Jeeves was able to stall the Scientologists long enough for Lord Xenu to slip out the back way. Close one, though.

Monday, September 17, 2007


Monkey Fluids can now be searched at OhNoRobot, with all the archivey, random-linky, actually-keeping-count-of-how-many-I've-done goodness that entails. Of course, being hosted on Blogger means that you've always been able to search the site using that box at the top left, but now you can do it with extra webcomic geek credibility.

Thursday, September 13, 2007

More Geek Humour (Been Reading XKCD)

'No sounds's coming out of my iPod. Help me fix it. Pleeease?' 'Jesus Christ, woman -- what part of RTFM don't you understand?' 'Um... I gues...' 'Fucking. The F stands for Fucking.'

The F always stands for Fucking. You know, I think I just found my epitaph...

Tuesday, September 11, 2007

Geek Bait

The Hipster class was a surprise addition to the Wrath of the Lich King expansion. Able to equip armour from the Polo Neck and Plaid categories, their +5 bonus against Modern Jazz made them a popular choice with new and experienced players alike.

Thursday, September 06, 2007

Tuesday, September 04, 2007

Après Nous, le Déluge

Captain Jake smiled to himself. Two of every kind? Bugger off. With three breeding pairs and a couple of dogs for 'company', he’d have the planet repopulated in no time, without spending forty days knee deep in elephant shit.

An interesting week -- the Facebook group now has more members than Warren Ellis' Holy Slut Army, and Monkey Fluids has been getting more attention. The Darwin one has shown up on Digg and Reddit, in both cases sparking off heated religious debate among people with no sense of humour. A common claim has been that the comic suffers from poor grammar -- "it should be beating THE fuck out of!" No it shouldn't, you culturally illiterate gobshites. ("Gobshite" is a word people in other countries use to say they don't like you.)

Friday, August 31, 2007

The Past Had it Coming

Time once again to derive comedy mileage from the mundane fact that words don't quite mean what they used to sometimes:

'It looks as if she's just made a hole and stuck this thing, whatever it is, in. But it's a crazy thing to do. She must be a bit queer.' 'Don!' ejaculated Susan, horrified.

This one has the trifecta of "queer", "ejaculate" and an easily construed sexual innuendo! If only they'd managed to work "prophylactic" in there somehow, there'd be nothing left for me to do. Like, ever.

Thursday, August 30, 2007

Tuesday, August 28, 2007

Violence to Gonads

'Just watch it - I've got nine throwing daggers here, one for each of your ovaries!' 'But...' 'One for each of your ovaries four times! And then one of them another time!!' '“Seriously, you need to work on that threat, it's - gah! My ovaries!'

Thursday, August 23, 2007

Tuesday, August 21, 2007

Mildly Interesting Announcement

Monkey Fluids spreads its soul even thinner across the barren plains of the Internets by jumping on the Facebook bandwagon. No, you can't be an officer.

Important Announcement

Children! The New Zealand flatworm is an introduced pest in the UK. Do not take one home and surreptitiously feed it table scraps until it grows to an enormous size. That's just what the Communists want.

Seriously, though -- if you live in the British Isles and happen to come across a specimen of the New Zealand flatworm, notify the Agricultural Development and Advisory Service or the Scottish Crop Institute. Apparently they give a fuck.

Thursday, August 16, 2007

Tuesday, August 14, 2007

Gratuitous Pop Culture Reference #Some

As suggested by RSJS during the collection of moments in between movie viewing and large pies that we half-heartedly refer to as "real life" -- pick the Gratutitous Pop Culture Reference that most appeals to you:

'Fuck you, Skywalker!'

'Fuck you, Ash!'

'Fuck you, Thing!'

And that's the end of that.

Thursday, August 09, 2007

Tuesday, August 07, 2007

Platitude Dog

In Japanese mythology, Kimarimonkuinu is the canine spirit of tired clichés. In this depiction we see him bounding through the undergrowth, having successfully bitten the hand that feeds him, now looking for a manger to lie in or some new tricks to fail to learn.

Thursday, August 02, 2007

Darque = Wanque

'What do you think you're doing, Jeeves, disturbing me on my death bed?' 'Sir, I keep telling you: calling it your 'death bead' isn't goign to help you score goth chicks.'

Tuesday, July 31, 2007

Thursday, July 26, 2007

Tuesday, July 24, 2007

Thursday, July 19, 2007


'Wheels for legs, a dustbin for a body and a dead hobo fro a brain -- you;re going to be the best robot ever!'

Tuesday, July 17, 2007

Knock Knock

'Hi, we're the Bicurious Plumbers - we've come to check out your pipes...' Living in the Land of Porn wasn't so great. Sometimes all Jeeves wanted was to just get the fucking toilet fixed.

Thursday, July 12, 2007

Tuesday, July 10, 2007

Available Now!

The DeskMonkey Stationery Storage System, a wonder of the modern age! Thelma and Betty couldn’t wait to see the model that Miss Battersby had installed in her office. Upon arriving they found Bertie had already dislocated his jaw from gaping in amazement at its magnificence.

Thursday, July 05, 2007

Red Rag

As his friends ran to safety, Timmy prepared put his strategy into action: Using his umbrella to guard against splashback, he would douse the vampire bull in holy water, and as it writhed in pain, he would drive his stake deep into its heart, then step back and watch with an air of satisfaction as it crumbled to dust. Turned out it was just a regular bull. Sucks to be Timmy.

Tuesday, July 03, 2007

Revisionist History

In the early years of WWII, the allies launched Operation Pickles: a covert attempt to infiltrate Germany and assassinate Hitler. Unfortunately, due to a simple miscommunication, the mission resulted in comprehensive failure. 'What? You meant soldiers disguised as schoolgirls? Bugger. Ah well, scrape up any<br />remains and send letters to their parents.'

In other news, you could do worse than check out Skru Comics (MySpace page). This tearaway makes actual comics out of paper and dreams, and then sends them to me in an attempt to get me to pimp them on my own website. Which I appear to have just done.

Well played, young man -- well played.