Timmy Points

A New Sub-species of Hero

Seriously -- that kid is like the Platonic Ideal of "standing akimbo". Print this picture out and keep it, so that if anyone ever asks you "Akimbo? What does that mean?" you can show them and say "That's what akimbo means, Jack! No, I don't know why she's doing that with her skirt. Worms, perhaps."

Comic #50: Something Different

Good morning, class. Today, we're going to be going over the sorts of things to look for in a picture when you're trying to come up with a caption for it...

Starting with our jolly captain (1), what's he so pleased about? Winking slyly, pipe in hand -- there's got to be something going on there.

The woman to his left (2) also looks suspiciously happy. She also appears to be leaning to one side slightly, as though she's about to fart. Fart jokes are funny.

Things get even more interesting when we turn our gaze to the old man in front (3). Not only does his head appear worryingly close to the captain's crotch, it's also covering up the captain's hand, which is equally worryingly positioned -- plenty of material there for why he might look so happy (see 1).

Moving on, the gesture being made by the woman in the middle (4) is a little suspect. Palm up, fingers curled, beckoning slightly, all of these give the impression of someone who wants something slapped into her hand. If that "something" were a penis, comedy could result.

And finally, while all this is going on, the dog on the right (5) stares out to sea, unconcerned with the boat or its passengers. What is he looking at? Or avoiding looking at? This is pretty much a blank slate for anything you might want to come up with.

So bearing all of this in mind, what can we come up with for a caption? How about:

"Denise let one go quietly enough that no-one noticed -- no-one that is, except for Captain Jim, who lowered his pipe to better appreciate its full vintage. Flatulence fetishists -- there's one on every boat." (1+2)

"Uncle Henry could only gaze in rapt fascination as Captain Jim unzipped and began to show off his latest piercings." (1+3)

"Come on Uncle Henry, slap it out right here -- if the stories are true, you should be able to do it without getting out of your seat..." (4)

"Conversation resumed as though nothing had happened. Only Fido continued to stare at the spreading ripples that marked the final resting place of Father Jeremy." (5)

All of these are the wrong caption to use, however, because THE STORY IS TITLED "JAKE'S HOLE" FOR CHRIST'S SAKE! You just can't outdo that, and shame on you for trying.

Apologies to Kathleen Winfield, whoever you are.

Obvious Week: It Gathers Pace

If it's Friday, it must be a Pirate Joke

The Simple Ones are the Best

I smell a T-shirt design...

As Seen on the History Channel

It Begins

The picture that started it all. Seriously -- it's a monkey in a kilt and top hat, pouring goo onto a young boy's head. You can't make that shit up.

Anyway, the first few are up now. I plan to update twice a week -- say, Tuesday and Friday? Less if I get lazy, more if I come up with something that's just so damn hilarious I can't wait to foist it on you. Comments are enabled, by the by -- your suggestions for alternate captions are always welcome...