Monkey Fluids

Why must the Monkey subject poor Timmy to the horrors of his heterogeneous fluids? You’d think we’d have figured it out by now.

Thursday, May 28, 2026

Drug use is big and clever

“I tell you, these little cakes are my heroin!” “I thought heroin was your heroin?” “No—heroin is my mescaline, mescaline is my ketamine and ketamine is Bertie’s embalming fluid.” “My what?” “Nothing, Bertie. Hush now.”
Posted by Josh at 10:00 am No comments:
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Tuesday, May 26, 2026

Higgins vs the Army of Darkness

“Yep—as a fucking doornail. ‘Cannot kill what does not live’ my arse.” Judith brought in a second serving of holy water tea, but there was no need—Higgins’ plan had worked perfectly, and Linda the Littlest Lich Queen was no more.
Posted by Josh at 10:00 am No comments:
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Thursday, May 21, 2026

Do do do, do do-do doo

“It’s amazing—when I put these glasses on, I can see secret messages in billboards and on TV!” “Doreen, you’re not wearing glasses.” “Well I’ll be. Schizophrenia, you sly mix—you’ve got me again!” All laugh; freeze frame; “Semi-Charmed Life” by Third Eye Blind plays over end credits
Posted by Josh at 6:07 pm 1 comment:
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Tuesday, May 19, 2026

What's behind the pornography door?

“Nope, just mountains of pornography in this one as well.” “Don’t worry—we’ll find Daddy’s insulin soon enough, I’m sure.” “Yes, it’ll be fine. He’s even stopped making those noises now.”
Posted by Josh at 10:15 am 1 comment:
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Thursday, May 14, 2026

Not gonna lie, this one got away from me

A voice came from the other side of the room: “Ah, Rebecca—you’re awake. I expect you have many questions, so let me see if I can answer some of them. First of all, no, this is not a sex thing. It’s not. I’m a kidnapper; I’ve kidnapped you for ransom, not for sex reasons. Because this isn’t a sex thing. Yes, you are tied to a bed, and yes, beds are where sex occurs, but it’s just because I don’t want you to get away and the bed was the most convenient item of furniture to restrain you on. Similarly, while you are gagged, this is again for kidnapping reasons—preventing you from crying out and alerting people to your location—not for any sort of choking, asphyxiation fetish purposes. Perish the thought. “If you need the toilet at any stage, I’ll escort you to the bathroom—I don’t want you soiling the bed clothes. And if I did, it wouldn’t be some sort of sex thing, it’d be because I’m a callous kidnapper who cares not for your comfort. Not a sex thing. If I hear afterwards that people are saying this was a sex thing, I’ll know it’s because you lied to them and I’ll be very disappointed, because I feel I’ve been very clear on how much of a sex thing this isn’t. “Now, relax and try not to strain yourself—I’ll just be over here making a ransom note out of letters I’ve cut from a newspaper with a pair of plastic scissors. The plastic scissors are a sex thing.”
If you're reading this on a phone, good luck I guess.
Posted by Josh at 10:14 am No comments:
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Tuesday, May 12, 2026

Destroyer of Souls, Wearer of Trousers

As Col. Wilbur grabbed the Young Gentleman by the shoulders and pushed it away, its spine yielded disturbingly easily. It bent back, and further back, and further back, and began to wail—too late, his men realised their guns would not save them.
Posted by Josh at 10:00 am No comments:
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Thursday, May 07, 2026

Bertie Spits Bars

"...so say you'll be my Valentine/ And pray, don't think me oafish. In turn I'll be your concubine/ The Hootie to your Blowfish." "Oh Bertie, that was wonderful - so iambic!" " And such current references!" "Well then you'll like my next one, girls - I call it I'd like to put my Portishead in your Luscious Jackson."
Posted by Josh at 10:00 am 1 comment:
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Tuesday, May 05, 2026

May Monthly Monkey

“Mm, yes, that’s some fairly severe constipation, if your stance is anything to go by. Don’t worry—this poultice will draw everything out.” “Out through my head, Doctor Chimp?” “Indeed. Gracie, fetch a bucket. And an umbrella.”
Posted by Josh at 10:00 am No comments:
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      • Drug use is big and clever
      • Higgins vs the Army of Darkness
      • Do do do, do do-do doo
      • What's behind the pornography door?
      • Not gonna lie, this one got away from me
      • Destroyer of Souls, Wearer of Trousers
      • Bertie Spits Bars
      • May Monthly Monkey
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