Thursday, June 11, 2026

Advice sought

“OK, take this down: Dear Agony Aunt, I (20F) live in an uncaring universe (13,700,000,000NB) that’s indifferent to my dreams, desires and very existence as it spirals towards its inevitable heat death. Should we try anal?”
Posted by at No comments:

Tuesday, June 09, 2026

This comic's gone to the nope, nope I can't do it

“Sorry, good harlot, but your sexual services will find no custom here.” “No, I’m not a—” “AWAY, WOMAN! Vex me not with your mercantile blowjobbery!” “You just want me to leave so you can fuck that dog.” “Impudence! My relationship with Huggles concerns you not! Also, yes.”
Posted by at No comments:

Thursday, June 04, 2026

Who you gonna call? The! Vatican!

“BACK TO THE DARKNESS, ABOMINATION! I ABJURE THEE!” As the Stay-Puft Marshmallow Man sank into the ground for good, Marjorie marvelled at how much easier a good old-fashioned exorcism was than all that silly business with positron colliders and proton packs.
Posted by at 1 comment:

Tuesday, June 02, 2026

Gracie made a good Daenerys, though

“A crown for a king!” The Little Dorking Amateur Dramatic Society’s production of Game of Thrones Season 1 received mixed reviews, but one thing was certain: having a chimp play Khal Drogo was SUPER racist.
Posted by at No comments:
Labels: ,

Thursday, May 28, 2026

Drug use is big and clever

“I tell you, these little cakes are my heroin!” “I thought heroin was your heroin?” “No—heroin is my mescaline, mescaline is my ketamine and ketamine is Bertie’s embalming fluid.” “My what?” “Nothing, Bertie. Hush now.”
Posted by at No comments:

Tuesday, May 26, 2026

Higgins vs the Army of Darkness

“Yep—as a fucking doornail. ‘Cannot kill what does not live’ my arse.” Judith brought in a second serving of holy water tea, but there was no need—Higgins’ plan had worked perfectly, and Linda the Littlest Lich Queen was no more.
Posted by at No comments:

Thursday, May 21, 2026

Do do do, do do-do doo

“It’s amazing—when I put these glasses on, I can see secret messages in billboards and on TV!” “Doreen, you’re not wearing glasses.” “Well I’ll be. Schizophrenia, you sly mix—you’ve got me again!” All laugh; freeze frame; “Semi-Charmed Life” by Third Eye Blind plays over end credits
Posted by at 1 comment:

Tuesday, May 19, 2026

What's behind the pornography door?

“Nope, just mountains of pornography in this one as well.” “Don’t worry—we’ll find Daddy’s insulin soon enough, I’m sure.” “Yes, it’ll be fine. He’s even stopped making those noises now.”
Posted by at 1 comment:

Thursday, May 14, 2026

Not gonna lie, this one got away from me

A voice came from the other side of the room: “Ah, Rebecca—you’re awake. I expect you have many questions, so let me see if I can answer some of them. First of all, no, this is not a sex thing. It’s not. I’m a kidnapper; I’ve kidnapped you for ransom, not for sex reasons. Because this isn’t a sex thing. Yes, you are tied to a bed, and yes, beds are where sex occurs, but it’s just because I don’t want you to get away and the bed was the most convenient item of furniture to restrain you on. Similarly, while you are gagged, this is again for kidnapping reasons—preventing you from crying out and alerting people to your location—not for any sort of choking, asphyxiation fetish purposes. Perish the thought. “If you need the toilet at any stage, I’ll escort you to the bathroom—I don’t want you soiling the bed clothes. And if I did, it wouldn’t be some sort of sex thing, it’d be because I’m a callous kidnapper who cares not for your comfort. Not a sex thing. If I hear afterwards that people are saying this was a sex thing, I’ll know it’s because you lied to them and I’ll be very disappointed, because I feel I’ve been very clear on how much of a sex thing this isn’t. “Now, relax and try not to strain yourself—I’ll just be over here making a ransom note out of letters I’ve cut from a newspaper with a pair of plastic scissors. The plastic scissors are a sex thing.”
If you're reading this on a phone, good luck I guess.
Posted by at No comments:

Tuesday, May 12, 2026

Destroyer of Souls, Wearer of Trousers

As Col. Wilbur grabbed the Young Gentleman by the shoulders and pushed it away, its spine yielded disturbingly easily. It bent back, and further back, and further back, and began to wail—too late, his men realised their guns would not save them.
Posted by at No comments:

Thursday, May 07, 2026

Bertie Spits Bars

"...so say you'll be my Valentine/ And pray, don't think me oafish. In turn I'll be your concubine/ The Hootie to your Blowfish." "Oh Bertie, that was wonderful - so iambic!" " And such current references!" "Well then you'll like my next one, girls - I call it I'd like to put my Portishead in your Luscious Jackson."
Posted by at 1 comment:

Tuesday, May 05, 2026

May Monthly Monkey

“Mm, yes, that’s some fairly severe constipation, if your stance is anything to go by. Don’t worry—this poultice will draw everything out.” “Out through my head, Doctor Chimp?” “Indeed. Gracie, fetch a bucket. And an umbrella.”
Posted by at No comments:
Labels:

Thursday, April 30, 2026

Sudden realisation

“Wait a minute - 'some of them try to rhyme but they can’t rhyme like this’ DOESN’T RHYME.” It had taken over thirty years, but Suki finally had Kris Kross’s number.

 

Posted by at 1 comment:
Labels:

Tuesday, April 28, 2026

From Russia With Love

Although Agent Natalya’s stealth suit blended perfectly with the car’s upholstery, its effect was lessened by her constantly breaking concealment to eye fuck the ambassador’s daughter.

 

Posted by at 1 comment:

Thursday, April 23, 2026

Austen, Texas

“...just as long as they stay out of women’s bathrooms! Now, if you want to know who really runs the world…” *disapproving growl* Lucy the bigoted teen detective and her clue-sniffing lions fight crime in PRIDE AND PREJUDICE, streaming now.
Posted by at 1 comment:

Tuesday, April 21, 2026

No Sex Please, We're British I Guess

“So… nothing’s happening tonight after all?” “No, sorry - when I said there’s a party in my pants, I meant the Donner Party.”
Posted by at No comments:

Thursday, April 16, 2026

Great Moments in Home Maintenance

In the age when sweeps would pull a goose up the flue pipe to clean it out, Old Lady Maureen was the first to suggest swapping to small children. Alas, pulling a goose up a small child made an even bigger mess, so they just sent the kids into the chimneys instead.
Posted by at 1 comment:

Tuesday, April 14, 2026

Unnecessary vulgarity

“Here we go!” exclaimed Betsy. “Down a couple of these lovelies and you’ll be tripping so hard you’ll shit out your balls!” “Shit out my balls? Timmy inquired. “Does that mean shit will come out of my balls, or my balls will come out of my ass like shit?” Betsy stared into the distance and was silent for a long time before quietly answering “...yes.”
Posted by at No comments:

Thursday, April 09, 2026

Fuck it, here's a Lovecraft reference

'G’morning to ye, Jeeves! Go tell Master Lovecraft that I’ve brought a couple more o’ them Innsmouth sprats for his collection. Had ta dress’em as schoolchildren to get past the Law, but they’re plenty squamous, don’t you worry!'
Posted by at 1 comment:

Tuesday, April 07, 2026

BOO-sef Stalin's Five-SCARE Plan

'A g-g-g-ghost!' 'J-J-J-Joseph Stalin!' Scene from the pilot episode of Stalin & Spook, Attorneys at Law. The show ran for fifteen seasons before being violently purged from all records.
Posted by at 1 comment:

Thursday, April 02, 2026

A different kind of solvent abuse

Not content with gluing Timmy’s knees together, the devious Professor Pongo now sought to affix his head to the back of his jacket. If she wasn’t careful, Gracie would end up with her hand stuck to the poor boy as well.

It's a new month, which means a new Monkey. This is the law and the whole of the law.

Posted by at No comments:
Labels:

Tuesday, March 31, 2026

Obscure Pop Culture Reference #3

'Why did you say that twice?' 'I didn't'

It's a reference to a 40-year-old film and it's a sequel to this one. Yes, Josh, yes! Milk the past! Milk it like the world is ending!

Posted by at No comments:
Labels: ,

Thursday, March 26, 2026

Timmy Points Anew

'Look, Mummy - the snow is easing! Maybe the harvest won't be ruined!' 'We're well past that point, Timmy. Back in the wicker man.'
Posted by at No comments:

Tuesday, March 24, 2026

His debt is a karmic debt

'...so the game was 'Would You Rather be a man with a horse dick or a horse with a man dick?' One thing lead to another; Buddhist suicide pact; and now I can definitively state that Dave was right. How about you?' *tweet*

 

Posted by at No comments:

Thursday, March 19, 2026

Two-fisted tales of etymology

'I'm telling you—decimate means to reduce by one tenth!' 'It's in the word! Like decimal!' 'Yeah, yeah. It's off to Pedant Quarantine for youse two. Don't worry—we'll keep you there for exactly forty days.' Agatha sniggered. Fucking pedants.
Posted by at 1 comment:

Tuesday, March 17, 2026

Groinal vengeance

The men thought they had Timmy dead to rights, but they had reckoned without The Professor’s modifications. Smiling smugly, Timmy put his hands in his pockets and readied the controls of his crotch laser…
Posted by at No comments:

Thursday, March 12, 2026

Semi-autobiographical

'Euuurggh - being old is the worst.' 'It could just be your diet, Gran - did you switch to grainy bread like I suggested?' 'Yes, and the only difference is that I now do grainy shits.' 'But the extra fibre! Think of all those B vitamins!' 'My farts. Have shrapnel.'
Posted by at No comments:

Tuesday, March 10, 2026

Yum.

'It's raining men. Hallelujah.' 'Yes, praise be to the Powers Aloft. for their bounty of flesh.' 'Tonight we feast.'
Posted by at 2 comments:
Labels:

Friday, March 06, 2026

2 Monkey 2 Fluid

"No, Bishop Bobo - I said you're supposed to anoint him with your chrism!" Prayer or no, Timmy's hepatitis wouldn't be clearing up any time soon.

So, what happened was, last year I spent a few weeks "remastering" all the images here, after links to the old ones started breaking. And, nostalgia being what it is, I thought "wouldn't it be fun to do this again for a bit? But why now?" And then I remembered that I started originally in May of 2006, which makes this month the 20th anniversary.

I had a bunch of images that I never got round to using the first time, and I've never been against re-using old images more than once, so I've flexed my atrophied captioning muscles to crank out some more of these... things. I figure I've got enough new comics for three or four month's worth - let's enjoy it while it lasts.

Posted by at 2 comments:
Labels: , ,

Thursday, March 05, 2026

Someone’s RSS feed is about to get a shock

You know that thing where you’re old as fuck, and then all your favourite bands get back together for the 20 year reunions of their first albums, and maybe do a little tour or put out a new EP?

You know what tomorrow is?

Posted by at No comments:
Subscribe to: Posts (Atom)